Inner Peace

Of late, I have come to realise how important "inner peace" is.

With inner peace, one is able to look at things in the right perspective, handle situations better and see the right from the wrongs more clearly. Most importantly, one will be able to see the silver lining amongst the dark clouds that loom.

If there is a battle fighting within, then more likely than not, the vision will be filled with anger, frustration and impatience.

Being a better person takes a lot of self-awareness and discipline...it will be a tough battle, but not an impossible one.

I try to support by providing constructive feedback, being continuously patient and loving while the storm roars dangerously... but at the end of the day, inner peace can only be found by the individual who looks within... seek and he shall find.

Whatever the outcome, I trust that God will show the right way out and this, I will accept with open arms. I only ask that patience be my guidance in this trying times...and that he wins the battle within.

My silent heart...

My silent heart... has been doing a lot of thinking the last few weeks.

The saying that "if someone does not love you the way you want them to, that does not mean he does not love you at all; it only means that he loves you in his own way" comes to play in my mind a lot these days.

I have taken much time to think about what has happened, and what has been said.

Being a woman who was brought up single-handedly by a mother who was widowed at a relatively young age yet was always there for me, I hold true to the believe that kind words, positive encouragement and respect help build a healthy relationship, and that a healthy relationship is the foundation of a happy and lasting relationship.

As such, the outlook and appearance of a person never plays any part in building a healthy relationship, because the character of that person will be the main ingredient in all relationships.

Appearance plays no role in how much I love a person, especially with the close ones. They may not look anything close to a model physically, but I still love every single inch of them. When it comes to my significant half, I can even love the lack of a 6-pack abdomen, the roughness of his face, and all his other qualities which comes in a package.

So I tell him I think he is cute and macho when he asks, which I truly believe and this, I think, is a healthy practise. If he feels good about himself, he will feel good about other things. It is only normal that human seek affirmation about the goodness of themselves at some times, especially from their most loved and trusted ones.

Expectation can be a dangerous tool in a relationship, which can work against you in the end. I suppose that I expect him to do the same for me, which he is naturally unable to sometimes, as guys are more critical about physical outlook, and can, sadly, be quite blunt about it as well. So it is no surprise that my expectation of him giving me the same positive affirmation is unmet at times.

When I look back and reflect, I then realise that he has also had expectations about me in other ways which I had been unable to meet, like giving him the emotional support in the way he seeks at a certain time. The support I gave, though well-intentioned, had not been well-received at certain times, or at least, was not given in the way he expected it. Sadly, the emotional baggage from his past that he carries will be with him for life and that cannot be erased...

I am a person who is always careful and tactful with my words, saying only things that I mean (my motto: if there's nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all!), and dislike confrontation.

When faced with someone who is so carefree about the words he uses, says hurtful things sometimes just to spite the other (cruel when he is angry), and thrive passionately in confrontations...I feel that I am truly "lost for words".

Most couples are fundamentally different in more ways than one, and so I conclude, that at the end of the day, it is only going to boil down to how much I love the other person to try and meet him halfway, while helping him put behind that "baggage" he carries (whether he realises it or not) further and further away (if he lets me)... He, on other hand, has to love and respect me enough to do the same for me in return...ie make that effort to put away that baggage, to be kind with words, spoken only when he means it, and see that I need positive affirmation from him sometimes, just like anyone else.

I can only hope that he will meet me halfway to make this easier for the both of us...and pray that we both win this war together...and that patience is in abundance.

So my silent heart seeks peace within both of us, and pray that we will both be better people together.

May our love for each other prevail above everything else...

The Dome
Beautiful Florence!
Yummy gelato

A stressful week

Last one week was a pretty stressful one...

First, I received the bad news from my boss that the planned KL office setup was not happening. That means I will not be moving back to KL in the near future, not if I were to remain in my current role. I had put my hopes that a transfer was possible. My current job role has been both challenging and stimulating, although guidance and support from my immediate superior could have been better...but that is currently manageable and at tolerable levels. Sadly, with the latest outcome however, it looks like I'd have to start looking elsewhere...and quickly too, as it may most probably take quite a long time before I find a suitable company and job who would "take" me.

Secondly, I went through an emotional (and inevitable) phase of my relationship... It was so tiring talking about it, yet we had to. Clarifying what we both thought and felt about the subject, and what we both expected, was a relief although it was energy-draining. The good thing was that at the end of it, we agreed that we'll work on it together, and I have faith that it will all turn out well.

Got to get back at surfing the net and browsing the job ads in the weekend papers for a job in KL...Wish me all the best that you have. I need loads of it...

Of Year End Achievements and New Year Resolutions

The year end is just round the corner. Shopping malls are already playing jingle bell songs, and tall plastic christmas trees with empty boxes wrapped in colourful present papers underneath them decorate the concourse of these malls.

White frosty spray pens the wordings "Merry Xmas and Happy New Year" in many glass windows of boutique shops, beckoning shoppers to come in and have a ball buying new clothes.

It felt like the last Christmas was here not that long ago. Where has the time flew to?

Looking back this year, it is frightening to think that so much time has gone by, but so little may have changed from last year.

List of things that has changed, or that I have "achieved" this year are:

1) changed job roles to a non-accounting based one:
There is more to learn about the business in a Commercial role, more external parties to deal with, more challenge overall...yet, there is also more frustration, and more expectation-management to conquer.

2) met a very special guy:
It's been more than six months since we "bumped into each other". The times spent together have been both exhilarating and intense for the both of us. He believes that when you meet someone who complements you, you have met the right person. I believe that if you are meant for each other, things will fall in place eventually, creases will iron themselves out somehow.

We had a fantastic holiday in US recently. We learnt so much more about patience, tolerance, and forgiveness for each other. We also learnt how to gamble and be children all over again! It was a memorable one for me...

3) made some new friends:
It is so interesting to meet different people from different line of work such as engineers, contractors and commercial people. More often than not, it baffles me how different these people's way of thinking can be from an accountant. You'll start looking at your situations in angles you would never have thought of before!

4) hooked up with some old friends:
The latest craze of Facebook has indeed been useful in hooking up with long lost buddies, especially those who have uprooted themselves from Malaysia and now reside in the other parts of the globe. It's great to suddenly get mails in your inbox from close buddies whom you last spoke to 10-15 years ago.

5) travelled to Europe and US:
I had not planned to travel much this year, but as it turns out, I travelled to both Europe AND US this year. It was a great opportunity, one that opened my eyes and let me see the vast disparity between the two greatest nations.

There, 5 things I have done this year to enrich my life and the life of the people who are important to me.

New Year resolutions? For the moment, I have none in my drowsy head. Besides, New Year's resolutions never work for me anyway... I'll run off track somehow and will need to "revise the resolutions accordingly".

It's past midnight now , dreamland time... Falalalala-lala-la-la.

Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year to you!

Neo

It's been more than 3 months since I met my "last perfect gentleman" and got together.

I spent the last 2 weeks with him, and every single day was lovely...to see the person you love first thing in the morning, catching the train or driving to work in the morning together, sharing happy and stressful moments of work at the end of the day, going through good and not-so-good experiences with each other's support, spending spontaneous weekends in another state, or just lazing around watching Danny Crane's antics together.

We learnt a lot about each other during this time, both good and the not-so-good... we came out alive, a little scratched, but alive and well all the same.

He has taught me patience and understanding, and in return, I try to give love, care and attention.

I think I found my Neo...

I wonder...

It's raining out there now... I wonder what's the weather like where he is tonight.

It was a busy day at work for me today... I wonder how his day has been today.

I had good news today at work. I've been granted to go to Netherlands for training this October. If I manage to confirm a seat for myself, this will be my debut trip to Europe. The first thing I did was to tell him on the MSN... I wonder now if our holiday plans will materialise, since he might also be going to Houston for training in November.

I miss him so much everyday. He tells me he misses me to infinity, that there can be no more miss than what he miss... I wonder how long this distance between us will go on.

I love him more and more each day, every moment we spend together, the more we learn abt each other, the closer we become... I wonder if we will somehow triumph through this journey of challenges.

He is so far the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am letting myself go with him, reckless but taking that leap of faith nevertheless... I wonder if he is too good to be true for me.

I wonder... I wonder